Let Go and Let God

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."


-Anais Nin





What is dead we cannot keep.





The more I try, the more intense this pain feels.


The more I drown in my own self-pity.


You remain a mystery, you remain my past.

You will always be the best.

I'm not giving up, I'm just moving on.









Therefore, I let go.

It's half way through 2009

and so much has already happened. Just last month the first A330 belonging to Air France dissapeared across the atlantic killing all on board. Last Friday I woke up hearing news of Michael Jackson's death on my radio alarm which was tuned in to Red104.9FM and I thought I heard it wrongly and I switched to other radio stations to confirm what I heard was correct. It was and last Friday was also the same day that Farah Fawcett passed away.

Honestly I didn't really feel sad much, like they're not some sorta close relative in fact I'm not a fan of his music neither have I watched any of her movies, but it sorta just made me wonder, and think about how fragile our lives are. One day your alive and the next your dead. I mean in MJ's case, there is this speculation going on about how he abused prescription drugs and what not. I think, like the way I see it, the man was heavy on debts and I guess his only way out was that. Kinda wondering what's gonna happen to his kids though. I sorta watched E! News the other day and apparently MJ's mum, the kid's grandmother, would have custody over them.

But enough about MJ (may he RIP)

So yea, it's the midpoint of year 2009 right now and a lot has happened in my life. This past 6 months have been somewhat emotional for me, and it still is. I've had my heartbroken, smashed into pieces, kinda sorta felt betrayed you know. Just two months ago my whole world (ok thats exagerating but it does feel like it) came crumblin down when the person i loved the most in this world stopped feeling the same way for me. I lost my confidence in the things that I did. I remember the day after when I had to go to work, how I had to lock myself in the cubicle to hide myself and take some personal time out. And the thing is I can't get over it. I can't get over these feelings I have. My emotion. It attacks me periodically, like one minute I can be happy but if I think too much, ie. if I don't do things to distract myself then I get depressed and I start weepin' like a baby. Seriously, there's no shame in it anymore cuz I don't care what people think. I do cry. I'm a 20 year old, almost a man, and I still cry. I don't keep it in. Just like my pimples. I like bursting them all instead of leaving the white pus for all to see.

Anyway, I guess I'll write about something else cuz this issue has been going on for the past two years, and there have been many posts dedicated to my emotional outbreaks which i think people are tired to read about but yea this is how i release steam.

So besides my unhappiness, I had my last german class of the semester last thursday (exam this coming thursday and the following monday!!!). It was fun. We were all taking pictures and 3/4 of the class was spent eating. Like it was pot luck thing and everyone brought something to eat/drink. I baked swedish cookies. They taste rather good though not thin like they're supposed to be.

Im just paralysed right now bytheway. I just found something out. Something painful. will talk about it another time

Father's day: my last day of work

well the dAy kinda started off badly with me fighting over the bathroom with my sis. and when we fight we really fight. like really fight. like yelling and vulgarity... so yea i thought i was really late for work but no one said anything even though i can in like 10 minutes late and today being a really big day, i thought i was expected to be on time.

so i basically wasted my energy yelling and being pissed at everyone in the morning...

well yea i was supposed to resign yesterday but they needed help today, as it was father's day. so yea i thought why not, for an extra rm 48. i would continue working the whole month but the thing about this company is that everything is totally f-ed up right down to the way they pay their employers. the last day for all hours to be calculated in the pay would be every 20th of the month for part-timers and its a whole different system for full-timers, which i don't wanna talk about because i really don't know much about it. so my manager compromised to add the hours of me working today into last month's punch card.

anyway the day went on fine. though there were plenty of guests today as expected, there were some people comin in at about 3-4pm to have i don't know tea? i don't think its tea though. like who eats spaghetti meatballs and lamb shank for tea.

it was so busy that i even had to set up tables for reservation during my break time and i was pissed and bitchy because i had to do it, like about 20 tables i think. not that easy when you've got a group of say 8 and you have to join tables together. bla bla bla...

alter ego: why you always complain ah? listening to all this positive thinking podcasts everyday and still nag nag nag

pfft whatever la.

so it was pretty much busy untill like 8-ish and then it got alittle boring afterwards. so that is another end to another chapter of my life. i have to say the experience wasn't all that super. i basically spent the last 4 months doing nothing really productive. i am actually rather worried alter ego: no surprises there that i may forget the important stuff like math and physics which i spent a year and a half ago learning and memorising. how to start uni like this????

the good part however was that i earned quite a bit... can't wait to spend!

things i'd buy:

1. manbag- i so need one





2. new ipod- old one battery got problem. yup that colour too....







3. skinny jeans- always wanted them! from topman




4. tattoo- i've figured out what i want and where i'm gonna have it already







5. basically some baju baru la- wardrobe needs to be refreshed

not quite sure yet when but i'm looking forward to go shopping. something i haven't done in a long time... probably when the sales are on

other plans: KL Marathon, German classes, Yoga classes, more gym time! weeee

btw today i got a message frm xxx on fb. it really was nice and i'm thankful and grateful to hear frm xxx again :)

p.s. happy father's day to all father's out there. i have to admit, all i just did was shake my father's hand... i have to say, it was totally awkward but i'm really not close to my dad. i love him though. just not... i don't know... close.

Still hurts... but at least i'm blogging again right?

... oh yea and started smoking again too. Not everyday like your Aunt Marge, no. Just socially and I don't buy my own pack of ciggs, they cost money and I am stingy, I smoke 'em my colleague's at work. Not proud of it, in fact, I feel really really really guilty each time I take a puff but you know, it really is something social, and it does help with the pain I'm kinda going through right now. I stopped smoking last October and I started again late April was it? Or early May this year. Oh well. When shit happens to ya. It's better than hurting myself although in the long run it is hurting myself.

So what have I been doing the past couple of months. I went clubbing for the first time a couple of weeks ago, since God know's when, probably since September last year was it. I wouldn;t say me going clubbing is gonna change the way I feel about clubbing, it still is boring and lame as hell, but yea it took my mind off things. Usually after work with colleagues and the past few times I've clubbed I didnt pay a single cent. Just 'payung'-ed all the time. And all the time just means two times total. Oh yea of course, I've been working as well. My last day of work will be this Saturday. I've decided to take some time at home to concentrate on other things as well as rest.

About work by the way, I feel like I've gone dumber because I haven't really done anything productive so far this year since the A-levels in January. I bet I probably forgot the important bits in math and physics and chemistry. Uni how? I also dono. But yea I've also been busy with my Uni applications. I've yet to receive a confirmation from the Uni I applied to in Germany. And I am freakin nervous. Though I know I shouldn't be and that I should be positive about it.

Applied for end-of-stay camp for YES 2009 in Washington DC but tak dapat. Congratulations to Dina by the way, if you're reading this. You well deserve it! Make us, YES Alumni 2007, proud!

Other than that yea... I'm still hurting on the inside, I still cry myself to sleep but not so often, I smile whenever I can although I;'ve learnt that I more often than not, fake smile at guests. I've learnt to be thankful since I've downloaded this few positive thinking podcasts from itunes. They kinda help me feel happy-er. Bought this 9-eyed dzi beed which is supposed to get rid of all bad karma. I've learnt to see the other side of things that there may be reasons as to why such things have happened to me.

Every night on my home from german class as I walk home to my grandmother's house, I often look up into the nightsky, I see the stars shining and twinkling, sometimes I talk to them in my head, sometimes I just make little wishes hoping that things in my life go back to the way they were.

The only unanswered question which I think about up till today, since that dark dark day when my life took a turn:

WHY?

By the way check this video out, it's awesome!

quotes

.. by Harmeet, fellow colleague at workplace.

"Chinese people are funny when they try to act cool"

"Love is like a bus ride. When your done with one ride, you just gotta sit at the bus stop and wait for the next one to come, hopefully a bus with a better condition comes by"